hmm..

i wonder why it hurts, but i don't feel anything. this year has been going by so fast, but i still remember the first time i felt going to school. i guess it's just a hard feeling to forget, being alone. i've done it so many times before, but not at this level. like i said, i honestly question what kind of person i am. why are people interested in getting to know me? i'm not overly outgoing, i feel i don't even fit in. i put in effort, but i dont like the outcome. i don't know why this hit me, but i guess now i'm falling down..

today i registrated my classes for next year. i'm taking studio photography and food and fitness. i really want my gym credits to be over with. i'm sick and tired of worrying about those. but whatever. i could not be happier knowing tomorrow is friday. why am i so relieved it's so? because. when i'm at home and recieve those little messages from people, it just makes me feel like i'm 'home'. i still have not found that group of friends that welcome me here, it's hard. so many people just tell me, 'be yourself!' but if i step back and evaluate myself, i'm just.. well, boring. i just don't understand.

all this stress from school is going to my head. i feel like a bitch, maybe even a little fake. i put up a front and realized i'm a hypocrite. maybe that's the person i've been all along. why do i have to do that.. and why do i always have awkward moments. i feel people don't like me, but maybe that's just from past experience. they use me, maybe, and manipulate me to think they actually like me. or maybe it's just that i analyze every detail too much. i've got to stop..

life is hard. i really just want to imagine myself back where i used to be. my close group of friends. the true few i trusted and still do. i can never find that group here. it's just weird everywhere. i'll find someone i 'know' but they always just leave me. then i feel an awkwardness. people just must think i'm weird right? i'm different.. i don't know what to do at this point. i just really need that best friend feeling. there are tries at it, like with jaimee. but i just don't know. i'm stupid. whatever.

but on a brighter page. he smiled at me the other day. =] well maybe not. LOL. i'm not sure if he was smiling at me, or behind me. that's a slap in the face. [haha joanne, see i edited it.] lol and no it's probably not who you're thinking. can't wait for the weekend. more sleep for me. since i got no rides this week. blah. i'll have to read. poop. i think i need a david morales hug. at least something like it would make me feel like i'm close to home..